Monday, January 16, 2017

Armpit Detox Review -

I recently did an armpit detox. And it was as miserable as it sounds. It stunk literally and metaphorically. And I'll get right to it - it didn't work for me.

If you want to know more about what I did and how it went, then here you go:

First of all, my friend told me that an armpit detox was THE most privileged idea she had ever heard of. So I just want to be clear that I get that. This is like serious first world problem shit. 

So now that that's out of the way. I used Wellness Mama's plan for her armpit detox. I love Wellness Mama, so don't think I am criticizing that cute little nugget of natural living. I am just saying that somewhere between reading her post and me running back to "real" deodorant - something went wrong. Even taking a peak at her post now makes me think I should give it another try, but then I remember the horror...

So I bought bentonite clay at my local health food store and already had Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar. I waited until January in Florida when it was at least a little cooler (my hope was I would be less sweaty). I also have the advantage of working from home, where I can, at times look practically homeless and it doesn't matter. So slathering goopy wet clay on my pits and cruising around my home half clothed for periods of each day and then not wearing any deodorant ever was totally manageable and frankly pretty on par with other beauty regimens I attempt. 

So clay and vinegar on pits? Check. The ability to look, feel and smell awful? Check. 

Soooo, a week or two went by of this. Every day a clay vinegar mask slid around on my pits until it dried and became crumbly and then crumbled all over the place, then a shower to scrub it off, shower floor with bentonite clay residue, NO DEODORANT after shower, the icky feeling of non-deodoranty armpits the rest of the time, the smell of clay and vinegar, the smell of what was surely my armpits "detoxing," and wearing clothes that accommodated my current armpit situation when I did have to leave the house. 
This is me, waiting to see what fresh hell comes next in this detox.
I envisioned the little pores of my cubbyholes unclogging with toxic chemicals and little puffs of fresh air coming through them. I would feel and smell like a daisy in no time, right? Right? For the love of God this was working right? I would not get armpit cancer. I would not be dependent on chemicals. I could use talcum powder on my pits like ladies did in the old days. This was going to work. 

Definitely didn't forget.
But T-Rex arms are accurate description.

And then I realized it was not only not working - it was definitely getting worse. Apparently my armpits really stink when left to their own devices.  Unclogged pores did not mean good smelling pores. I still kept at it though!!  But eventually I dug out my horrible, chemically deodorant and slathered it all over and felt human again. Maybe I didn't stick with it long enough. Maybe I just needed to get used to the miserable miserable miserable feeling of natural deodorant. I don't want armpit cancer, but I can't live that way. 

Has anyone else tried an armpit detox and actually feel like admitting it? Is there something I should have done better or different to make it work? 


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