Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Farmer Carrie

I've gained like 89 babillion pounds in the last four months, not because of the pandemic, but because my stupid motherfucking hormones. I guess my body thinks its pregnant - so it's getting my ankles ready for birthing a child?? Is that a thing? To be clear I am not pregnant. Though you'd be tempted to rub my stomach if you saw me. #sassybuddha
I like to joke that I'm built for chores. But this is different. More. Not funny. Beyond sturdy. 

I don't know exactly how much I've gained because my scale is packed. 
My scale is packed because I am moving out of  my little pool home in Tampa up to Citrus County, FL where Joe's generational real estate business continues to thrive. Because he is great
Why we have split our time between Tampa and Citrus Co for five-ish years is a long story, but we are done with it. We are sick of being apart. The pandemic can't be blamed for my current shape, but the pandemic's arrival gave us both the impetus to get all existential and we were like "fuck this being apart thing." I cuss a lot when I write. I'm sorry if it is jarring. 
So we bought a quirky house on 36 acres and the movers come in three days. 
I go to dark places when I move - usually about why I own so many craft supplies that I don't make time for - but this time I have gotten less dark because of my excitement to open my new back door and let Teddy run, and to have coffee with Joe in the morning. We will keep our foot in Tampa - our Tampa real estate company, and our friends will still get our attention. 

Pineapples grow on the property. There are friendly snakes. My new office has no windows. #caveofproductivity. A killer riding lawn mower has been purchased for ME. A tractor will be purchased for the rest of the acreage. A friend will put cows on some of the pastures. Teddy and I can take a walk every morning to say hey to the cows and snakes. 

My hormones wouldn't let me have children. And now they have shaped my body in a new and unexpected way.  But ultimately they haven't gotten in the way of me owning a riding lawn mower and continuing to be surprised every day by this life. Bleh - so dramatic. That's what moving does to me. #Thankyouhormones 

Pole barn with a fab spot for planting fun stuff 

A pineapple!
I tried it out and didn't fall off or run in to anything so I guess you could say I'm a natural mower. 

My office with new floors going in! So fancy I don't NEED windows. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Look good in shorts

If you have a fab body, then you can probably wear whatever you want. So have at it. But the rest of us need to be conscientious of how we clothe ourselves - accentuating the positive while not dying of heat stroke in the summer. I know women my age (42) and younger that choose to not wear shorts in the summer - it can be 97 babillion degrees and every scrap of cloth touching our bodies creates extra warmth and these women would rather figure that out then wiggle in to shorts. That's how big of an enemy shorts can be.  
Just fun.
But, it's hot as crap most places in the summer, so shorts are a straight up necessity. Can you imagine someone in Wisconsin saying they don't wear a big coat because it makes them look puffy? Just have to pick the right coat. In this post I'm going to give you ten of my Tired Girl tips for how any body shape can look better - even good  - in shorts. These are all things that anyone can do and does not require you to hate your body or try and morph in to someone you are not. 

1) Buy shorts that fit the body you have - right now. Not the body you want and will go ahead buy these cute shorts because you are definitely going to start running and get in shape and soon you'll fit in to these, and not the shorts form three years ago where you stomach was bigger and the size was bigger and the style was different and on and on, THIS body, today, looking at you in the mirror. I'm going to drop a couple of cuss words and here is one. Who the fuck cares what number is written on the tag of your shorts? I wear anywhere from a size 4 to a size 12 in shorts. Literally.  No joke, That's how asshole-ish the women's clothing industry is. That could really mess with someone's brain. 
Go to stores you like and stores you don't like and have never had success in and try on three different size shorts in varying lengths. I post some of my favorite shorts below. 

2) Higher quality shorts look better. This is my only tip that could limit some women, but hear me out. Higher quality and therefore probably more expensive shorts, look better on, wash better and wear day after day better than cheaper shorts. I love me some Target, but the Target shorts I have bought through the years have not worn as well nor look as nice. I have a pair of Lilly Pulitzer shorts that make me look better than I really should. If you are on a strict budget I recommend two things – either save up and buy one or two pairs of nicer shorts and wear the shit out of them every day. I don’t think you’ll regret it. Or hit up your favorite thrift stores and look for higher end brands in the shorts section. Short brands I would try on from a thrift store are: J.Crew, Loft, Lilly Pulitzer, Talbots, Patagonia, North Face, Athleta, Banana Republic – those are just a few.

3) No patterns, no lace, no scallop edges. As I mentioned, I like my Lilly Pulitzer shorts but I do not recommend the scallop versions nor most patterned shorts. I don’t need other people’s eyes being drawn to my upper thigh, thanks. I don’t need a lot of commotion around my toosh. I need calm, soothing, nothing interesting happening down here styles. Lilly Pulitzer patterns are camouflage for adult women – the colors and patterns can be forgiving, but be very careful. Old Navy, and others have really cute patterned shorts and I want to metaphorically run up to you in the store and take then out of your hands, move you to a nice pair of khaki or black or blue and save our flair for another part of the body.

4) No rolls. Rolled up shorts look exponentially worse on most people, and they wash up horribly no matter the brand, in my experience. I think tweens and some teens could pull them off. I vote to skip rolled shorts.

5) Denim maybe. The right denim shorts can be super cute and super forgiving. Brand new denim shorts are always better because they – I hope – have some stretch and fit your current body. I think stretchy knee length/Bermuda style or a shorter higher end denim can be cute. I definitely think rolled denim shorts are a mistake even though some brands insist on having rolled denim as practically their only option. Screw you American Eagle.

6) The correct length. Too long or two short and everything goes wrong. I am 5'4" and a 4 inch short is perfect on me. Tired Girl Ashley is taller than me 

7) No “Mom Shorts,” especially if you are mom-aged like me. My 17 year-old niece looks adorbs in everything and mom shorts I guess work for her too, but this is a style that has inexplicably come around and I am adamant against it for most body styles.

8) The right shoes. Again if you have a fab body or even a bumpy funny body but good legs, then you can wear whatever you want. But if you have:
Short legs, bigger legs, bird legs, tree trunk legs, weird shaped legs, thick ankles, or funny knees you’ll want to pick the right shoes with your shorts which is really just about proportion. High-ankled shoes and socks looks much worse than low shoes and socks on anyone that isn’t a model. Flip flops are always a winner with shorts. I took a ton of pics of women at a music fest a while back to show how low shoes look better than ankle socks or higher shoes. Low Converse Chucks - yes, high top Converse Chucks - no.

9)  Sneakers that look good on you. So many great options these days, and you don’t have to spend a lot. But the right sneaker will make your short-wearing legs look better. I do vote for new sneakers. Banged up, dirty shoes of any kind make a human look banged up an dirty in my opinion. Even for these weirdly amazing, ludicrously expensive shoes that I love and would not turn down – I still think would be cuter if they didn’t come “worn.”  (I love you Golden Goose shoes).
My favorite place to buy sneakers is Marshall's and Burlington Coat Factory. I recommend wearing shorts, going to these stores and trying on any sneaker that looks cute to you. You’ll be amazed how some shoes will curve in the right way and make your ankles look cute and others for no obvious reason will look like butt. I accidentally bought a cute pair of sneakers once while wearing jeans and when I went to put them on with shorts I was horrified. The tongue stuck out all big and look straight up heinous on me. They can only be worn with long, boot-cut jeans. Aint nobody got time for such high maintenance shoes.
I like a chunkier sneaker compared to sleek. I have wider ankles than I wish I had and a bulkier sneaker works for me. Personally I like the throw back New Balance or Saucony sneakers and I like super athletic running shoes in bright colors. I know the all white Nikes, K-Swiss thingys are in style for women too. If you want or need to wear sneakers with your shorts, be open minded, try on what you have, and new styles, and don’t rule out buying one pair that you wear with your shorts.

Saucony Women's Low Pro Jazz - I want all the colors. 
New Balance Classic 574 v2 Evergreen - I also want all the colors here. 
These are basically the same shoe. `
I tried these on loved them - Dolce Vita Neo Arrow Sneaker (they are channeling their inner Golden Goose shoe vibe) Dolce Vita has so many cute sneakers on their website. Pricey but nothing compared my coveted Golden Goose sneaker. 
Innocent women in line at the bar at music fest. Varying size bodies. No rolled shorts. Good lengths. Low shoes. No socks. Shaved legs. 
9) Super low socks. That sentence sums it up when it comes to socks with shorts. If I can SEE your socks then they are too long. Ankle socks are the fastest way to look bad in shorts. Save those things for long pants or bedtime or whatever. I cannot imagine wearing socks to bed but I know its done. #gag These are my favorite right now: 

10) Shaved, moisturized and tan (faux or real) legs. Un-bruised legs are helpful in looking nice as well, but I can’t seem to avoid bruises. So I often have white, shapeless legs with a bruise or two. But dang it I will at least shave*. 

Tired Girl Angie recommended this self-tanning lotion:  Malibu Tan Hemp Golden Glow
Lady in lotion aisle at Wal-Mart likes this one: Jergen's Natural Glow
I recently purchased this self-tanner as it got rave reviews but I haven't tried yet: Fake Bake Flawless Self-Tanning Liquid

I cannot in good conscience recommend getting an actual tan, because cancer. If you play tennis or golf or something and you sunscreen your body up and still naturally happen to tan then that's awesome. The adage that tan fat looks better than white is undeniably true, but a lot of things look good that I cannot support across the board. I vote for white legs over overly tanned or poorly self-tanned. 
Having your legs shaved and moisturized is easy and cheap and it's a great bang for your buck.
Hot Tip - Don't buy razors from Sam's Club - even of they are the same brand you buy elsewhere -  they are not nearly as good.  

Those are my 10 tips for looking good in shorts. Just to make sure I'm clear, I don't think any body shape should limit us from being comfortable. My boss and I always say that if we are comfortable at conferences we attend we are exponentially nicer people.  Be comfortable and look nice and feel great and go out there and knock the world's socks off with your short-wearing charm. 

Shorts Recommendations - 
My most favorite shorts for the past four years are the Loft 4 inch Riviera Short. Don't order the white though - too see-through. Two years ago they were made with different fabric and did not wrinkle when dried and had a great khaki color. Those were the days.
This feels like a pic from the old Sears catalog. Hand casually in pocket. 

I also like J.Crew 4 inch Stretch Chino Short. They wear beautifully and have great colors. I like to keep my phone in my back pocket however and these back pockets aren't deep enough to house my phone. 

Lilly Pulitzer only has one pair online right now that I would consider recommending and in the only the navy because I can't verify how think the white shorts are. The only pair of white shorts I own and wear are from Lilly however.  Callahan Jacquard Short 

I bought these on sale from Athleta and love them - Run With It 3.5 inch short. 

But I bought these at Wal-Mart and they just just as cute on me, though they look horrible in the pic online - Athletic Works Active Running Shorts. I can't speak to how well they wash yet. The Athleta shorts wash wonderfully.  

These are literally the only brands of shorts I own. Loft, JCrew, Lilly, Athleta and Wal-Mart. 
Once I find something that works I just buy a few colors or a few pairs in same color and thats it. I'm not interested in my toosh and looks a variety of ways. I want stability. These shorts, this top, these shoes, this bra, these undies, these earrings. Done.  

P.S. none of these links are affiliate links. Just sharing ideas.  I probably lost money because I went to look for items to share and possibly ordered things. 


Sunday, February 10, 2019

January Challenge: Planking -

The short version is this: I planked every day for the month of January and the only thing that happened is that I hate planking now. 

The longer version is this: 

I bought the Commit30 planner this year and each month there is a place to create your own challenge. It's the simplest thing, and I could have totally just put a check mark by each date on another calendar, but this is special! It has circles for each day, and reflection, and a place for a prize! 

My goal was to get up to 2:00 minutes, and to do it early in the day to get it over with. I started at about 45 seconds and it seemed easy enough. It was miserable, but doable. I set the timer on my phone and you'd think I'd want a distraction, but I just bore my eyes in to the timer screen and watched the seconds tick up and assumed that each second represented me becoming a fucking bad-ass planker. 

Pffft. As if three minutes is real. 
Why planking you ask? In the middle of the story. I don't know. I read it was good for you and seemed liked an easy January challenge. No supplies or much time needed. 

Literally right in the middle of the month I hit my highest time without really trying at 1:32. I assumed I would continue to add a few seconds each day and do a final push at the end of the month to 2:00. 

But on the 16th and 17th and 18th something was happening... I hated planking. Like for no good reason dreaded those few seconds of the day and didn't push myself because of it. Assuming I was going through something I just chilled in to some 30ish second planks. Is anyone still reading this. This is not very interesting. 

And the month progressed the same way. Hating. Miserable. I actually did feel stronger but I didn't give a rip because somehow the whole thing had gotten in my head. Then I got sick at the end and I still planked because I wanted to fill in ALLLLL my circles dammit. 

Incidentally January happened to be the longest month of my life. I couldn't wait for this self-inflicted torture to end. I still got it done each day - but just barely. One day I planked for like 16 seconds. But I filled in my circle, because technically I. Did. It.  

THEN on the very last day of the month I completely forgot to plank. Which seems peculiar to me - how do you forget that you hate something? Like hate is real. So on Feb 1 I decided to tackle a two minute plank. And you'll be surprised - assuming you are still awake - that I did it. TWO MINUTES. I tricked myself. I put on my head phones and put on Dennis Lloyd's Nevermind. I turned it up real loud and just tried hard to do it. I opened my eyes at 1:43 and I stared at the clock till 2:00  and cursed myself for this horrible challenge, almost threw up, and then I filled in my Jan 31 circle and closed the book on that stupid heinous idea. 

I chose not to take a pic of my Commit30 January Challenge pages because I wrote a bunch of other personal stuff on there. And this blog is personal enough without a photo of my words to myself. 

Here is what I learned. 

1) I should have one rest day each week if I choose a strength challenge. A monthly challenge should be comprehensive - it doesn't mean I have to do something every day for 30 days. It means just have a plan. 

2) I don't like planking. I thought it may be so easy and it could just be part of my daily routine. But we need a break. Forever.

I reflected these things in my planner. I didn't award myself a physical prize because I had never picked something early on and so I decided my reward was that February arrived. 

Stay tuned for February's challenge. It's equally boring. 

Friday, January 4, 2019

Tired Girl Christmas Decorating -

Christmas is not a hobby that I would choose.  Blah blah blah - I'm a Tired Girl. You get it. But because my husband loves Christmas very much and I love him very much, then here I am. 

Let's be clear, I am not passive aggressive to him, but rather openly aggressive about it, but through the years we have both compromised. He has taken his inner Clark Griswold and Tired Girl-ized himself. And I look weirdly pained and happy for about a month. We are both damaged through the process, but it works for us.

I am going to assume there are other people like me, who just need to get through, so I put together my top five Tired Girl tips specifically on decorating for Christmas  and one bonus tip on a straight-up coping mechanism that is not booze and pills.  Yes it's not enough to fake smile for a month, my house has to be transformed into a fucking glorious winter wonderland where all dreams are possible. Cool. *trembling hand reaches for gin and tonic. 

In truth, Joe does all the decorating - because he can not not do it. He can not be contained.  And I take it down, because I am wonderful. But I have bought the bulk of our decor through the years - it's a complicated tangle of love. So for all you Tired Girls out there - here are the best ways to decorate the shit out of your house in the most efficient way possible. 

1) Don't buy breakable stuff -  
When I was younger I would skip through the after Christmas sales piling mercury glass everything into my cart without even a glimmer of strategy of storage or moving or life. I still love my mercury glass that, darn it all, keeps not breaking. But I don't buy anything breakable anymore. When my bestie and I swam with manatees to celebrate our 40th (we know how to live) I skipped over the pretty glass manatee ornament keepsake and grabbed the little felt number that looked like I had hand sewn in it in some kind of forced craft situation. Charming. But not breakable. Toss it on in the ornament bucket bitches and never look back. Sadly it took me years to figure this out. So. Many. Breakables. But since there is no end to Christmases I will still have plenty of years to practice. Yaaayyyyy. 

2) Pick a color -  
Mine is red. When I get the whim to splurge on Christmas decor my eclectic style comes together better when I'm not all over the place with stuff. I streamline in a lot of ways and color is one. I don't need to name colors that would be pretty for decor - you get it - but it's fun to have a bit of cohesiveness. In my case my tree skirt is red and all of our stocking - though v different are all red, tablecloth, my few holiday throw pillows, garland, etc. Red. 

3) Pick a decor thing
One of my fave - non breakable -
modern trees. 
Mine are trees. I love Christmas trees in every shape and pattern. I love the lines of trees. Could be nutcrackers, angels, Santas, elves, snowmen, cottages, poinsettias. I usually treat myself to a new (non-breakable) tree almost each year.  I bought a tree that somehow looked like my old dog Ralphie and I call it my Ralphie tree - its all burlappy and someday I'll glue mini pinecones to it because he loved pinecones...  But I have modern trees, antique trees, trees covered in moss, sequins, a tree made out of candy cane stripes and of course those blasted mercury glass trees that I stinking love.  
The fun thing about this is you can clump them all over the house however you want and it seems to make sense. 12 snowmen on the counter? Sure. But 12 tchotchkes on the counter? Chaos. This lady's thing is round ornaments by the hundreds in jewel colors.

4) Wreaths! 
No matter your color or your theme, wreathes are where its at for Tired Girls. They are typically mostly non-breakable and you can just hang them all over wherever and instant holidays and cohesion. If you pick some (or jooj up plain ones with ribbon and stuff) in your color or theme - you are like so set. Done. Clap dust off hands. 
MY wreath. I love it more than other things. 
Wreaths are especially super for outdoor decor. A pretty wreath on the door and maybe even matching ones somewhere else, like the windows? Holy shit it's good stuff. 
This year right after Christmas I stocked up on some super pretty wreaths that were a million percent off from Michael's and I actually can't wait to put them up next year. But I'll still enjoy the eleven months of freedom that I have until then. 
And one year I bought an overly expensive wreath that I love more than I should. Joe calls it "your wreath" when he goes to hang it up. Next year maybe I'll start a social media campaign with the hashtag #wreathsbitches and we can all show our wreaths. Probably not though. 

5) Be cool
Be so fucking cool (says me who melts down about three times a week during the holiday season). If you don't love Christmas or if you do but you tired, then just be cool about decor. Where things go and how - just go with it. Trust me. Let your kids or husband or your mom or whoever put stuff out, or everyone does it together and its fun and you listen to Christmas music, or you do it at 5 am yourself one Tuesday in December just to get it done  - just whatever. 

One elf working and one dog elf resting. 
My tip for a coping mechanism to get through the holidays, if they aren't your thing: Treat yourself to something that is special to that time of year. Something  you will look forward to each year in the midst of the trauma of the season. 
My three things are: Pulling out my wreath that I love, watching Hallmark Christmas movies that I LOOOOOVE, and eggnog,. 
There are other things I like about the season - and I try to focus on those as well - like the fact that my husband really does love it, getting cards from my friends all over, and New Years Day (my most fave holiday). 
You could have a tradition of some kind just for you. Treat yourself to something (probably not cocaine).   

I also have a Christmas duvet that I love to put on the bed. I have a friend in California who says her house was saved from the 2018 fires because she'd already put Christmas sheets on all the beds.
So Christmas sheets have power.

How do you decorate in a Tired Girl way? How do you treat yourself? 

Sunday, February 4, 2018

January 2018 Most Favorite Things -

Tired Girl's Most Favorite Things in January 2018

1. Halos/Cuties - I love these little oranges and strangely they are super multi-functional to me. Here are a few reasons why I am obsessed with a small piece of fruit. 
When my kitchen is neat they have a very like "this person has her whole life together look" while sitting in a bowl in my kitchen. Like maybe my whacky kitchen would be in a real magazine, and not a weird issue of Messy-Kitchen Anonymous or something. 

They also taste good and feel like a little treat since I'm trying to be healthy and keep my sugar habit in check.

After I peel and eat it, I wet the peel and rub it all over my hands and it makes my hands smell good and feel super clean. I don't have weirdly smelly hands or anything it just feels good. 
Then I break up the peel and put half of them in my disposal and it makes my whole kitchen smell good. I don't have a weirdly smelly kitchen or anything, but still. The leftover peel I put in a ziploc bag in the freezer and I drop into my disposal through out the week. 

Voila. If you are not in to eclectic then you would hate my home. So just pretend you like this please. 

2. A smoothie for breakfast. Last summer (and fall and winter) things were a little too busy for my taste - the world required more of me than I prefer and I went in to deep survival mode.  Just live dammit. I was too overwhelmed to throw things in a blender, smoosh it up and drink it. But I realized after a few months of not drinking this smoothie that I didn't feel as well all day, and that I was starting to gain weight (all the glorious 12 pounds I lost last year were in jeopardy). Even when I tried to be healthy and boil some eggs for breakfast or something I noticed I was hungry again quickly. When I drank my smoothie I could power through more hours of the day without engaging in one of my favorite past-times of planning my next meal. 
As you may or may not know I am not so great with measurements, so I'm sorry that this recipe is loose. 
Here is my smoothie recipe:
  • A couple of handfuls of raw spinach, or kale, or a mixture from Sam's called "Power Medley." 
  • SOME plain kefir - not sure how much. Just like some
  • A little of bit water. I need more liquid to smoosh up the greens and I am too cheap to put in too much kefir, and it's a calorie saver too. 
  • I blend the greens and liquid until there aren't many clumps.
  • Then I add in about 1/2 cup of frozen blueberries.
  • A scoop of Raw Fit Vanilla flavored protein powder.
  • A scoop of "Vibrance" in pineapple/citrus flavor. (This stuff is less expensive and just as good as the same brand called "Green Vibrance" according to my guy at my health food store. 
  • A scoop of this turmeric stuff. (Supposedly turmeric has to be consumerd with black pepper, cherry or coconut oil to get the full effects. Who has time for all these dang rules?)
  • And I sprinkle in some flax seed.
  • Sometimes I put in powdered collagen even though my guy at the health food store told me it was pointless. I already have it and maybe my body works differently, scientifically, then the rest of the world and it will work. 
  • Sometimes I put in half of a frozen banana because it makes it taste really good and smooth, but I try to not to eat too much sugar so I only do this sometimes
  • I blend all of that. 
  • It is an unpleasant brown color because of the blueberries and greens.
  • This makes a big cup and I drink it all.
At one point I figured out what the caloric intake was all of this, but I can't find my calculations and apparently the final number didn't mean much to me. But it isn't bad. 

This process is actually easy for me because I have been doing it a long time and I've internalized it. I don't need variety. I just like this. When life allows I like to make several days at a time and store in glass jars. It doesn't taste as good as the first day, but it tastes like "already made" which is a flavor I really like.  

The protein powder may taste a little chalky but I'm used to it. It tastes healthy to me. Lifeway kefir is cheaper than some of the other brands that taste better but I don't care. I choose quantity over quality in this case. 

3. Eating the frog - I am an intense animal lover, so I don't appreciate this idiom. But I love the idea. It's a quote from Mark Twain and the point is if you have something you are dreading (like eating a frog I guess - bleh), then do it first thing in the morning and get it over worth. It's a testament to not procrastinating about the hardest thing on your calendar. Get it done early and fast. Here's an article that I enjoyed and agree with: Eat That Frog.  I have developed a healthy addiction to getting the hardest things on my to-do list done first thing when possible.  Watch out world. 
I channel my inner inspirational speaker when I do the worst thing on my to-do list first thing in the morning. 

4. Wal-Mart Cotton Sleep Pants - 
 They are inexpensive, come in cute patterns with trim, and wear well. I have a bought a few each season and they are some of my favorite sleep pants. 
Here they are online, but they seem to have limited patterns and availability so your store would be your best bet. If you are not in to shopping at Wal-Mart, here are my thoughts in case you care (or are stuck someplace and need something to do). 

Monday, January 1, 2018

December Most Favorites -

Tired Girl's Most Favorite Things in December
These may be just the things that make your life amazing in the new year. Or not.  

1. My Stihl Leaf Blower - Don't effing start with me about sweeping leaves.  If you do, I will give you an account of the gallons of places I still have to sweep, and why I need this leaf blower to make the front of my house look like humans, and not animals, live here. I am TERRIBLE at using it however - like one wrong move and leaves are everywhere and I give up and go inside. But when I'm focused I blow the leaves that accumulate at the front of my house in the right way to make my place look neat. Truth is I have mastered blowing leaves under my car and calling it a day.  I like this model, because it's teeny and light weight, but has enough power to do what I want - blow leaves away from my house to another part of my house. 
There she is. 
People online are insanely mad about how crappy they think this thing is - maybe they didn't read that is is lightweight with light power for small properties. It's like a dustbuster. But for what it's worth - I love it. Here is one that is similar on Amazon.  
Honestly the before and after photos I took to show my hubs originally, isn't that dramatic. But I recently blew leaves away, so I can't recreate a better before and after.
Just pretend this is great.

Warm Beige

2. NYX Stay Matte But Not Flat Powder - I live in Florida and I have oily skin, so I often look "dewy," but not the good kind. When I went on TV a few years back to cook my turkey meatballs, I researched TV makeup and came up with this. I was crazed to be armed with anything that would help me not look shiny on TV, so I wasn't picky about the color. I had one choice at my local CVS I think - Warm Beige - and it works for me and my medium toned skin (I am not fair or tan, I am not sure if I have pink or yellow undertones). Ulta often has NYX brand on sale for buy one get one free or half off or something. So I hoard it. 
Me getting miked up on TV and not looking shiny. Video here.
3. Any nude colored nail polish - This fall (and the last ten years of my life) kicked my butt. I needed to look put together with the smidgest of efforts and nude polish does that for me - it's very forgiving. Who has time for their toes? Lots of people, but weirdly not me. These colors make me look finished, but don't draw attention to the hooves I call my feet. 
Two faves are - "Barefoot and Topless," "Master Plan." But "Ballet Slippers" and "Sand Tropez" look good too. For someone whose nails often look pretty rough, I talk about polish a lot. #trynabebetter 
You know the drill - these are not my hands. #notahandmodel
4. Low expectations - I have created a life where friends and family expect me to be loving, but don't expect too much more from me. The smallest accomplishment or activity and I get accolades. I may host Thanksgiving, but it's a group effort to set the table and my guests commended me for such a pretty table setting, because they must have just been excited that I had a tablecloth on hand. Even my neighbors yell "Hey the Tired Girl is weeding," when they drive by.  So yeah, this is working for me. 

Husband cooking, and dad and friend
setting the table for Thanksgiving dinner.
5. Coarse, high-quality, salt bought in a grinder -  How old lady is this one? But really, there is no need to laboriously pour coarse salt into our own salt grinders. Unless your salt and pepper set is really cute and you just love it. But otherwise it's cheap and easy to just buy good salt already in a grinder. My two pictured here happen to be pink Himalayan something or other, but lots of good kinds at the grocery store and at Marshall's. I bought the little one at Publix (and swear it wasn't much - like $2) and took the label off so it would look cute sitting on my counter. The bigger one was purchased at Marshall's and will be de-labeled when I am finally out of the little one. The price tag shows it is two dollars cheaper at Marshall's than Amazon here
My photos in this post are off the chart boring.

I know you know what  an
Apple watch looks like,
but here's a pic of mine anyway.

6. My Apple Watch-
 It may be a $300 timer, but I love my $300 timer. I've had it for a year and I wear it every day.  I like to see my action, it helps me navigate in my car, and I time eighty million different things in a day. Dry my jeans for 5 minutes, fill the pool up for 5 minutes, do jumping jacks for 5 minutes (HA! Just kidding - one minute), clean the house for one hour, stand and work for 30 minutes - you get the idea. My life is better with a timer strapped to my arm.  
I don't talk through my watch like a phone, and I haven't explored a lot of other apps, so I'm probs missing out. 

7. Dog Mom Rap - It's old, and dumb, but I love it. I have added the version here with lyrics, so if you don't want to listen, you can just read what a ballad from dog moms is all about it. Quote of the piece - "You're amazing." 

Anyone have anything appropriate they are obsessed with right now? 

Monday, July 17, 2017

Marriage advice -

I want to call this "the best" marriage advice.  But, I'll let you qualify it on your own. The words I am going to have to type in this post haunt me.  But the overriding value of them is enough to make me do it.

The context contributes to the power of this advice. My mom and I were having iced tea in the living room at a friend's house. We stopped by for reasons relating to my upcoming wedding (this was obvi years ago).  This friend told me she was going to give me the best unsolicited marriage advice.

And then she said this:

"Feed him and fuck him."

And if I didn't literally spit out iced tea then I emotionally flinched. 

The use of the word fuck in such a context aside, the truth is - it's good advice.  

Yes, I am an adult married woman and I both cook and have sex. And that feels icky to say, but the advice is on point. 

If you want to wax poetic about this advice we can - it boils down to both meeting another person's most basic needs and at the same time caring for them in a both physical and emotional way. Blah blah blah. 

I prefer not to personalize this too much - I am comfortable talking about my non-functioning uterus,  but my sex life feels too far.

If you have to let other things in your life and marriage slide - as we all do - it is understandable. So think hard before either of these two actions become obsolete. 

I want to hand this sentence to Tired Girls everywhere and you can do with it what you will.

Here is a hilarious scene from the movie Annie Hall - they are each asked by therapists if they have sex often - there answer is the same yet different. Ignore the first part about their relationship.

The text version: 
Each therapist asked "Are you having sex very often?"
Him: Hardly ever maybe three times a week.
Her: Constantly, I'd say three times a week.

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