Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Look good in shorts

If you have a fab body, then you can probably wear whatever you want. So have at it. But the rest of us need to be conscientious of how we clothe ourselves - accentuating the positive while not dying of heat stroke in the summer. I know women my age (42) and younger that choose to not wear shorts in the summer - it can be 97 babillion degrees and every scrap of cloth touching our bodies creates extra warmth and these women would rather figure that out then wiggle in to shorts. That's how big of an enemy shorts can be.  
Just fun.
But, it's hot as crap most places in the summer, so shorts are a straight up necessity. Can you imagine someone in Wisconsin saying they don't wear a big coat because it makes them look puffy? Just have to pick the right coat. In this post I'm going to give you ten of my Tired Girl tips for how any body shape can look better - even good  - in shorts. These are all things that anyone can do and does not require you to hate your body or try and morph in to someone you are not. 

1) Buy shorts that fit the body you have - right now. Not the body you want and will go ahead buy these cute shorts because you are definitely going to start running and get in shape and soon you'll fit in to these, and not the shorts form three years ago where you stomach was bigger and the size was bigger and the style was different and on and on, THIS body, today, looking at you in the mirror. I'm going to drop a couple of cuss words and here is one. Who the fuck cares what number is written on the tag of your shorts? I wear anywhere from a size 4 to a size 12 in shorts. Literally.  No joke, That's how asshole-ish the women's clothing industry is. That could really mess with someone's brain. 
Go to stores you like and stores you don't like and have never had success in and try on three different size shorts in varying lengths. I post some of my favorite shorts below. 

2) Higher quality shorts look better. This is my only tip that could limit some women, but hear me out. Higher quality and therefore probably more expensive shorts, look better on, wash better and wear day after day better than cheaper shorts. I love me some Target, but the Target shorts I have bought through the years have not worn as well nor look as nice. I have a pair of Lilly Pulitzer shorts that make me look better than I really should. If you are on a strict budget I recommend two things – either save up and buy one or two pairs of nicer shorts and wear the shit out of them every day. I don’t think you’ll regret it. Or hit up your favorite thrift stores and look for higher end brands in the shorts section. Short brands I would try on from a thrift store are: J.Crew, Loft, Lilly Pulitzer, Talbots, Patagonia, North Face, Athleta, Banana Republic – those are just a few.

3) No patterns, no lace, no scallop edges. As I mentioned, I like my Lilly Pulitzer shorts but I do not recommend the scallop versions nor most patterned shorts. I don’t need other people’s eyes being drawn to my upper thigh, thanks. I don’t need a lot of commotion around my toosh. I need calm, soothing, nothing interesting happening down here styles. Lilly Pulitzer patterns are camouflage for adult women – the colors and patterns can be forgiving, but be very careful. Old Navy, and others have really cute patterned shorts and I want to metaphorically run up to you in the store and take then out of your hands, move you to a nice pair of khaki or black or blue and save our flair for another part of the body.

4) No rolls. Rolled up shorts look exponentially worse on most people, and they wash up horribly no matter the brand, in my experience. I think tweens and some teens could pull them off. I vote to skip rolled shorts.

5) Denim maybe. The right denim shorts can be super cute and super forgiving. Brand new denim shorts are always better because they – I hope – have some stretch and fit your current body. I think stretchy knee length/Bermuda style or a shorter higher end denim can be cute. I definitely think rolled denim shorts are a mistake even though some brands insist on having rolled denim as practically their only option. Screw you American Eagle.

6) The correct length. Too long or two short and everything goes wrong. I am 5'4" and a 4 inch short is perfect on me. Tired Girl Ashley is taller than me 

7) No “Mom Shorts,” especially if you are mom-aged like me. My 17 year-old niece looks adorbs in everything and mom shorts I guess work for her too, but this is a style that has inexplicably come around and I am adamant against it for most body styles.

8) The right shoes. Again if you have a fab body or even a bumpy funny body but good legs, then you can wear whatever you want. But if you have:
Short legs, bigger legs, bird legs, tree trunk legs, weird shaped legs, thick ankles, or funny knees you’ll want to pick the right shoes with your shorts which is really just about proportion. High-ankled shoes and socks looks much worse than low shoes and socks on anyone that isn’t a model. Flip flops are always a winner with shorts. I took a ton of pics of women at a music fest a while back to show how low shoes look better than ankle socks or higher shoes. Low Converse Chucks - yes, high top Converse Chucks - no.

9)  Sneakers that look good on you. So many great options these days, and you don’t have to spend a lot. But the right sneaker will make your short-wearing legs look better. I do vote for new sneakers. Banged up, dirty shoes of any kind make a human look banged up an dirty in my opinion. Even for these weirdly amazing, ludicrously expensive shoes that I love and would not turn down – I still think would be cuter if they didn’t come “worn.”  (I love you Golden Goose shoes).
My favorite place to buy sneakers is Marshall's and Burlington Coat Factory. I recommend wearing shorts, going to these stores and trying on any sneaker that looks cute to you. You’ll be amazed how some shoes will curve in the right way and make your ankles look cute and others for no obvious reason will look like butt. I accidentally bought a cute pair of sneakers once while wearing jeans and when I went to put them on with shorts I was horrified. The tongue stuck out all big and look straight up heinous on me. They can only be worn with long, boot-cut jeans. Aint nobody got time for such high maintenance shoes.
I like a chunkier sneaker compared to sleek. I have wider ankles than I wish I had and a bulkier sneaker works for me. Personally I like the throw back New Balance or Saucony sneakers and I like super athletic running shoes in bright colors. I know the all white Nikes, K-Swiss thingys are in style for women too. If you want or need to wear sneakers with your shorts, be open minded, try on what you have, and new styles, and don’t rule out buying one pair that you wear with your shorts.

Saucony Women's Low Pro Jazz - I want all the colors. 
New Balance Classic 574 v2 Evergreen - I also want all the colors here. 
These are basically the same shoe. `
I tried these on loved them - Dolce Vita Neo Arrow Sneaker (they are channeling their inner Golden Goose shoe vibe) Dolce Vita has so many cute sneakers on their website. Pricey but nothing compared my coveted Golden Goose sneaker. 
Innocent women in line at the bar at music fest. Varying size bodies. No rolled shorts. Good lengths. Low shoes. No socks. Shaved legs. 
9) Super low socks. That sentence sums it up when it comes to socks with shorts. If I can SEE your socks then they are too long. Ankle socks are the fastest way to look bad in shorts. Save those things for long pants or bedtime or whatever. I cannot imagine wearing socks to bed but I know its done. #gag These are my favorite right now: 

10) Shaved, moisturized and tan (faux or real) legs. Un-bruised legs are helpful in looking nice as well, but I can’t seem to avoid bruises. So I often have white, shapeless legs with a bruise or two. But dang it I will at least shave*. 

Tired Girl Angie recommended this self-tanning lotion:  Malibu Tan Hemp Golden Glow
Lady in lotion aisle at Wal-Mart likes this one: Jergen's Natural Glow
I recently purchased this self-tanner as it got rave reviews but I haven't tried yet: Fake Bake Flawless Self-Tanning Liquid

I cannot in good conscience recommend getting an actual tan, because cancer. If you play tennis or golf or something and you sunscreen your body up and still naturally happen to tan then that's awesome. The adage that tan fat looks better than white is undeniably true, but a lot of things look good that I cannot support across the board. I vote for white legs over overly tanned or poorly self-tanned. 
Having your legs shaved and moisturized is easy and cheap and it's a great bang for your buck.
Hot Tip - Don't buy razors from Sam's Club - even of they are the same brand you buy elsewhere -  they are not nearly as good.  

Those are my 10 tips for looking good in shorts. Just to make sure I'm clear, I don't think any body shape should limit us from being comfortable. My boss and I always say that if we are comfortable at conferences we attend we are exponentially nicer people.  Be comfortable and look nice and feel great and go out there and knock the world's socks off with your short-wearing charm. 

Shorts Recommendations - 
My most favorite shorts for the past four years are the Loft 4 inch Riviera Short. Don't order the white though - too see-through. Two years ago they were made with different fabric and did not wrinkle when dried and had a great khaki color. Those were the days.
This feels like a pic from the old Sears catalog. Hand casually in pocket. 

I also like J.Crew 4 inch Stretch Chino Short. They wear beautifully and have great colors. I like to keep my phone in my back pocket however and these back pockets aren't deep enough to house my phone. 

Lilly Pulitzer only has one pair online right now that I would consider recommending and in the only the navy because I can't verify how think the white shorts are. The only pair of white shorts I own and wear are from Lilly however.  Callahan Jacquard Short 

I bought these on sale from Athleta and love them - Run With It 3.5 inch short. 

But I bought these at Wal-Mart and they just just as cute on me, though they look horrible in the pic online - Athletic Works Active Running Shorts. I can't speak to how well they wash yet. The Athleta shorts wash wonderfully.  

These are literally the only brands of shorts I own. Loft, JCrew, Lilly, Athleta and Wal-Mart. 
Once I find something that works I just buy a few colors or a few pairs in same color and thats it. I'm not interested in my toosh and looks a variety of ways. I want stability. These shorts, this top, these shoes, this bra, these undies, these earrings. Done.  

P.S. none of these links are affiliate links. Just sharing ideas.  I probably lost money because I went to look for items to share and possibly ordered things. 


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