Have a hobby -

We don't all get paid to follow our passion.  Sometimes we just have a job where someone pays us, and we like the parts of our lives when we are not doing that job, better than when we are. 

Not me of course - Hi boss - I love my job. 

When this happens (to the majority of us - as not all of us get to spend the day naming nail polish or testing gin) we need to have this thing called a hobby. Or hobbies, if you are like me and are "hobby rich" ( I guy at a tailgate described himself to me that way and I stole it).

Here is the thing about a hobby when you are a Tired Girl.  You don't need to be GOOD at your hobby.  You can have the shabbiest painting in your watercolor class or spend hours sewing a shirt that will barely be wearable, come in last to every IRONMAN competition, heal every golf ball you hit,  or make the world's most mediocre brownies.  But who the fuck cares?  If you are having fun and enjoying yourself in the process that is the only thing that matters. 

A hobby does not have to be you "practicing,"so someday you can quit your real job and sew cat clothes all day. A hobby can be something you do for fun - that's it. 

There was a time I painted a lot and the more I painted the more ideas I had and the better I was and the more fearless I was and on and on. Was I ever really like GOOD? Nah. But it was crazy fun and relaxing and I loved it, if I hadn't had to eventually get a job I would have kept on like that.

Jackie Kennedy was known to paint as a hobby, but have you ever seen the "Jackie Kennedy Collection" of paintings tour around? No one has I don't think. She is known for saying that she painted a picture for her mother's closet every year for Christmas. I guess she wasn't that good, but it didn't stop her

Write songs for open mic night, paint pictures to hang in closets, dance like Elaine, ruin souffles, enter writing contests, read articles about restoring an old wooden boat when you don't even own one, and "pin" photos of ball gowns you'll never wear.

Why is this is important for Tired Girls?  Because a hobby is a fun place to go, mentally, when our bodies don't always cooperate. Up to your eyeballs in laundry, work obligations, social functions and all you want is to pull on your lounge pants and call it a day? The physical aspect of a hobby doesn't always fit in, but giving your brain something enticing to think about and look forward to when the stars align and you have a minute, is the stuff that keeps us interesting and engaged, and not just the run of the mill, brain-dead-overworked-person. 

Bossy part: Do it. Have a hobby. It makes our lives rich and layered and interesting. Being good at it is the least interesting part. 

This is the opposite of what I mean but I liked it anyway. What it should say is " I am a mediocre blogger and terrible rapper and I still do both, bitches."

Stages of Weightloss -

I gained weight, blah, blah, blah. And then I created and then self diagnosed myself with these multiple stages of weight loss dieting. Notice I have not gone through the "actually losing weight stage" yet, so I have something to look forward to.

For Tired Girls out there in the throes of any of these stages I am just extending my fist in the air to you. Solidarity. I got you, girl.  I have been there or I am here now - in fact these stages are more of a cycle as they seem to keep coming back around. 
Here they are in the order I am lucky enough to participate:

Considering - 

An oldie, but a goodie.

"I am going to just eat a little less and move a little more, no big deal. Not going to freak out or deprive myself. I'll have this taken care of in no time."

Freaking Out - 
"I am going to walk everywhere and only eat grapefruits and potatoes. I'll hide all my clothes except for workout clothes as I'll be more likely to get on the treadmill if I am already dressed for it. I'll start jogging. I'm getting up at 5 tomorrow morning and jogging on the treadmill and then I'll walk to the grocery store and to Target. And I'll get in like 16,000 steps every day. I'll be in great shape in no time."

No Way - 
"I can't do this. I am starving. I am not meant to subsist on such a restricted diet. I need cheese. It's not worth it; there are too many other miserable things in life to be hungry on top of it. There has to be a better way. Forget it, no way."

Spending money - 
"I am going to hire a personal trainer - no matter the cost. Then I'll go to one of those doctors that give you shots, so you aren't hungry - doesn't matter how much that costs - you can't put a price on your health. Then I'll go and get those Myer's Cocktails, that IV therapy stuff that athlete's do, again no price tag on health; the important thing is to feel good. Then I'll go once a week to acupuncture, and I'll be relaxed and happy and will lose weight. Then I'll buy a Vitamix, and that Shakeology stuff and drink a diet of smoothies and veggie juice - doesn't matter how much all that costs - it's worth it. I'll feel great and be in the best shape of my life in no time."

Medical Problem - 
"There is obviously something wrong with me. There is no way I haven't lost any weight. It's like my body needs the fat, like it can't let go of it. Maybe my thyroid is off. Maybe I have a'syndrome' of some kind. Maybe my body doesn't process food the way it should. I'm going to the doctor and I'll bet I'll find out something is really wrong and I'll get all fixed up and be back to my old self in no time."

The holidays - 
"It's the holidays/vacation I am not going to worry about this crap right now. I'll revisit my clean eating plan later. I don't want to ruin this event by feeling stressed out. I am just going to enjoy life."

Grief veiled as "acceptance"- 
"I guess I'll never wear those yellow jeans or that black bikini again. I guess this is my new body. I am not even going to try anymore."

Crying - 
Quiet sobbing.  "How did it come to this?"

Rebellion - 
"Who the fuck cares that I have gained weight? I don't! I like me for who I am and I don't care that there is just a little more of me now. I am not like unhealthy. No one cares that I sort have a second chin. I went through A LOT with those damn fertility drugs. I'll wear my chubby body as a badge of pride. I tried something in this life, I tried for something I wanted and it didn't work and now I have a new body and I am not ashamed. I am just going to embrace this and buy new clothes. This will be fun; I'll feel better in no time."

White Noise - 
"La la la, denial, denial, denial, derp di derpity derp, pizza, pizza, pizza, apple pie, club sandwich, treadmill not even plugged in, pizza, denial, denial."

This is me talking to myself when I continue to
show up in the "Spending Money" stage.

And then I cycle back to "Considering" and around I go. Since my weight gain has occurred over the past two to three years I have rotated through these a few times. 

I'll let you know when something changes and I manage to start losing weight. 

Did I miss a stage that any of you have gone through? 

I won an award -

So 27 million years ago I won a blog award!  It may not have been that long ago, but as a Tired Girl my time is always skewed. When I say I am going to do something I look at up and four months have gone by.

But literally about two years ago a friend of mine announced her internet awards for the year. 

My awards, if I was so organized, would all go to various cat and dog videos from the internet.

I am not making light of this award,
I just really wanted to use this meme.

Luckily for me her tastes are more human, and I was chosen! Cut to me holding a bouquet of roses.

I received her "Best Series" award for the miserable and sometimes funny "Thank You Hormones" posts.

Full disclosure here: This person is my friend. So basically she officially gave me a "like" on Facebook, but it sure felt special.  There was a whole category and everything.

Here is the actual post and her other awards.  
Also further disclosure: I don't read a lot of other people's blogs. I don't want to accidentally take an idea, or more realistically borrow someone else's voice. Sounds dumb, just trust me. But my friend at Crown and Owl wrote this particular post, I read it, AND I think about a lot. This is it: here

A gross tip -

Here is a medium gross idea - freeze your trash. Chicken bones or meat styrofoam - whatever will be most stinky - I wrap in a plastic grocery bag and stick in my freezer. 
 Then trash day rolls around, I grab all my weird frozen trash and out it goes.  The garbage collectors unconsciously thank me.  I BET I have THE least stinky trash on the block. Boom. 

"Why would you bother," you ask.  
"Because I am pretty lazy," is the answer.

With just two of us at the house it can take a solid week to fill up a whole garbage bag. So, when I have to take a super stinky, barely filled trash bag to the garbage it feels like a personal failure.

Oh Jillee.

So I freeze that shit. 

It freaks Joe out a little.  But he is coping. 

Here is a DIY to make disposal smell good thingys - to get even one step closer to a less stinky kitchen.

Also they make a trash freezer - so I am on to something. But duh you have a trash freezer already - it's called THE freezer.  

Awesome trash maintenance.

I am not quite THIS is in to my trash, but I admire their spirit. 

Anyone have a gross tip? Email me and I'll decide what level of gross it is. 

How to let yourself go -

This sounds easy and the unsettling part is, it's even easier than it sounds!  

Everyone has a day where they don't DO too much to themselves - maybe you skip a shower until the evening, or don't put on makeup, or end up in your workout clothes all day or even your pj's - it happens.

But things start to take a turn when normal upkeep feels special.  A leg shave that typically occurs every day or every other day is now on the agenda every two - to THREE days. And even then it feels hard to accomplish. What the what??  When more than one or two areas of your body are not taken care of, in the way they should be - you know you are almost there.

When we listed our house for sale, it was fine to get the kitchen messy as long as all the other rooms were "ready to show."  Then if someone wanted to see the place I did a sweep of the kitchen and was out of there.  

But, if the bedroom wasn't neat, AND the kitchen was a mess - then there was a problem in my mind - too many rooms out of order to be able to be out of the house in 10 minutes if a showing was eminent.

So the body situation is the same.  Face and hair messy, but eyebrows in good shape, skin clear, toenails in order, legs mostly shaved, whole body not too smelly (just a light happy sweat smell from walking Teddy) - no problem.

But dirty hair, dirty body, unkempt toenails, shaggy eyebrows and no makeup? Oopsy.  

When more than one or two "rooms" in your "house" are messy - you have crossed over.

BUT here is where it gets really bad. So you go over to the dark side and lots of rooms in your house are messy and the first and second and third day this seems to occur nothing BAD happens.  Your husband doesn't freak out, in fact no one seems to really notice -- and down the slippery slope we go.

You tell yourself that you've "just been extra busy,"  or because it's so hot and you are at home all day you are just "taking a break" from all that "extra" stuff. 

AND then you are waiting for your car at a valet and you sit on a bench and look down at your legs and look up the valet and he looks down at your legs and there is a moment where he knows that you know that he knows that your legs need to be shaved. And you go home and take a hard look at yourself in the mirror (figuratively of course because you are practically grotesque at this point - you don't want to ACTUALLY look at yourself). 

Here is my Tired Girl tip to NOT let yourself go.  

1. If you can't keep up with your look, then change it up or embrace a more relaxed but still neat look.  (In the summer months by my hair doesn't even come close to my rollers or curling iron - it airs dry and up in a knot it goes).

2. Let yourself take breaks, but have self control.  Putting on pj's upon home arrival is allowed, no bra on a Saturday is needed sometimes, but don't live there.  And still wash your armpits. 

3. Get a good haircut.  Have the big things taken care of. 

4. Know the few things you really need to look your best (or atleast your "acceptable") - so you can do your makeup in lightning speed if needed (as I sit here typing with no makeup on). 

5. Upgrade your everyday/comfy clothes - Cute pj's, t-shirts that are flattering (I like these from Ann Taylor Loft and Target), look better just by accident with slightly better clothes. And throw away the really bad stuff. Do it.  I can't do it, who am I kidding, but you still should do it.

Let something else in your life go - but not yourself.  We want to live the good life after all - not the gross life.

Here is my pep talk from Liz that I have used in way too many posts. 

I feel better already.

Capsule Wardrobe -

When I gained weight (over the past few years) my closet became obsolete. Nothing fit, save like two pairs of jeans and a few tops.  Things fit, but not the way they were supposed to. (Think 10 pounds of sugar in a 5 pound bag.)

Then, my Tired Girl bestie Vanessa asked me, out of the blue (not knowing my chubby woes), if I'd heard of "Capsule Wardrobes." 

There is a very real chance I will
be wearing one or all of these
items at any one time, right Joe?

One google search later and I was sold.  
I read a few blog posts about it all, but this was my favorite - she tells what, why, how, etc.:  UNFANCY

The take-away is this: 

- Limit your current (this season's) wardrobe (excluding pj's, workout clothes, and dressy-dress) to 20-40 pieces. 

- Pick the things you love, are in the current season, and fit your body right now.  

- Donate/sell the pieces you know you don't want, store other season clothes somewhere else (way back of the closet, guest room closet, under the bed, etc.) 

A Pinterest search will give you more inspiration then you need.  

When I thought about it I realized, I already lived in a capsule - wearing the same few things over and over and feeling guilty looking at other clothing that I didn't like or didn't fit.

Though I felt forced in to a capsule wardrobe, because of my annoying weight gain, I was quickly hooked.  

An outfit I would wear out in the
 evening practically year-round
in Florida.  These jeans and my
black tees work for my curvier
 body. Wish my body was as long
and lean as this pic implies.

I have yet to lose the weight I would like to, and so when I am back to the size that matches the bulk of the clothes I own (hidden in the guest closet), I may go crazy for awhile wearing everything. But in the meantime it's super easy to just wear my handful of clothes.  

Some words about MY actual style, if you have nothing else to do:

I have truly embraced very simple clothing. With my current heavier body I just feel better in simple things that fit/fall just right - when I find them I buy a few and only wear them (hence the capsule thing).

I am most comfortable in the simple, meaningful pieces of jewelry that I wear all the time as well, and have a few fun pieces I mix in sometimes. 

If I am going out to be with humans that I know in a small setting, the goal is clean/simple hair and well done/simple makeup.

My goal otherwise is to not be offensive, and to be the most comfortable I can be in regular clothes.  What a goal!


Hot pink, navy and white stripes, and leopard are my patterns/colors of choice to add to my plain pieces. 

Notice a pattern here (no pun intended)?

1. Vionic flip flops in Leopard (great support - the navy patent ones are pretty too)

2. Tory Burch Miller Sandal in Sand Patent 

3. XOXO Sneaker (mine are G by Guess brand, but canvas like these) 

4. Frye Boots (mine are Kenneth Cole and no longer avail) - I love the greige color.

5. Ugg boots Classic Short in Chestnut 

6. Steve Madden Elusionl leopard flats  

7. Tory Burch Reva Flats in Royal Tan BUT looks like they aren't avail any longer - these are similar and look pretty comfy.

These are the MVP's in my closet. If I am out in public I probably have one of these on.  I love to look at shoes, but in reality once I buy a few pairs that I really love I just want to wear those over and over.
Obviously I have a style here - I like camel and nude colored shoes with every color clothing - even black. I also love leopard with any color clothing. Plus since I dress so plain for the most part a leopard or camel colored shoe always works. My boots are similar to the ones above - I paid $40 at Marshall's years ago for them and I love the greige color and how comfortable they are. 

This creation is entitled "Every Day Fall."I am a regular Polyvore poet.

My last idea to share about capsule wardrobing is this:  If you create a free account on Polyvore you can find pieces of clothing that look like items you own. Then "like" them to save them in your "items", and then you can "create" a million outfits with your capsule wardrobe if you want.  My stuff is so basic it seems dumb to spend the energy putting a blue shirt with tan shorts and then a blue shirt with WHITE shorts - oh wow - watch out world!  But surprisingly this is super fun and major way to watch the hours disappear before your eyes.  
Here are my awe-inspiring outfits from Polyvore - Tired Girl on Polyvore.

Anyone else try Capsule Wardrobing?Thoughts? Hate it? Love it? 

Bikinis and Skinny Jeans -

 This could be the shortest post ever - here it is: just because something is in style doesn't mean it works for you. Skinny jeans and bikinis, I am specifically looking at you right now. That could be the whole post and you would get it.

But here is more anyway:
Skinny jeans look like crap on me. So they may be in style, but they aren't in the right style for my bod. Bootcut/flare is where it's at for me. I have a bedunkadunk and I need a line that goes out away from my booty instead of in towards my feet. Weighing the same amount I look skinnier and taller in full length flare jeans.  These are my two all time favorites.

Here I am just being six-foot tall and not wearing a shirt.
1. Paige Skyline Bootcut in Valor - I wear size 30
2. Joe's Jeans Provocateur Bootcut (I have a few colors)
Also I buy expensive jeans and have them professionally taken
 up because they look better and I wear them everyday so it's justified.

I don't think I am alone in my inability to flawlessly pull off skinny jeans. This chick on Buzzfeed agrees  here.

Now bikinis it's your turn to get it: This summer I was at a big pool at a resort and while all the moms and dads made sure their children were a) not drowning and b) be sweet to their cousins, I was able to slide my sunglasses over my eyes and people-watch for hours. Here is what my research (staring) discovered.  

There were a lot of moms out there with perfectly good and fit bodies. Not amazeballs 17-year-old bodies, but nothing to be ashamed of here folks bodies. BUT what I discovered was that many many of the moms I saw were wearing bikinis.  And even though they looked fine in a bikini they would have looked really great in a tankini or one piece.

For a lot of people skinny jeans and bikinis
are there ideal style. 

For me, the right tankini  can scoop, smooth, push up and push down in all the right places and be more flattering for this body I have right now.

For me the right sleeping bag covers up all of my bumps with a cozy "all over puffy" look and accentuates my eyes, but that is less feasible in getting around. So tankinis and flare jeans it is. 

The problem with skinny jeans and bikinis is that we (women) are told (through the universe) that these are things we should wear, or be able to wear, or are better if we wear them. We feel like we are "giving up" if we no longer master certain styles.  And I think that's shit. 

I choose to wear things on my body that make me look and feel good, regardless of the latest fashion. Luckily pjs are always in style at my house. 

Preachy part: And my point is that we should simply decide for ourselves what is in style for our own bodies.  

I feel infinitely less tired when I don't look like butt and don't waste time trying on 87 different pairs of skinny jeans.  Just suck it skinny jeans! I am done with you.  Except when it comes to wearing boots - I own a couple of pairs that look good from thigh up so that I can wear my boots all winter, but that doesn't count. 

Anyone else have a "fashion" that they give the middle finger to? 

Antidepressants -

I have recently gone off my antidepressants.  Or I should start by saying: I was recently taking antidepressants.  

The seeds were sown when I started paying top dollar to pump my body full of hormones, over a five or six year period with no positive results.  Then the most precious being in my world, my dog Ralphie, died before his time. My inability to kick the sadness and my natural, normal emotional-ness (that's a word right?) turned different (I think you will know when it turns), and I eventually went to a doctor - a psychiatrist.

He told me it was all okay and that I should try an antidepressant for a little while. "Let's just see," he said.  I put it off for for a few more months, but eventually went for it. I started a low dose of Zoloft. And in about three weeks my brain, my heart, and my chest felt better. 
There were some very specific changes I noticed immediately:

1) I could not, and did not cry.  The usual commercials that turned on the waterworks had no effect. The thought of Ralphie licking my arm on the last day of his life, that in the past had turned my face in to ugly cry mode, did not produce tears or even a surge of pain. I knew I felt sad - or maybe I knew I had felt sad in the past with this particular memory, but I didn't feel it then.  It was bizarre. Empowering.  Fantastic! Unsettling. I liked it.
My first year of teaching school I had a situation with a student that made me cry and I told another teacher - through tears "I wish there was a pill I could take to be tougher."  
Well, there is.  

"Do you still laugh?" My doctor asked me when I told him about my dry eyes.
"Yes."
"Does it bother you that you cannot cry? Do you feel detached?"
"No."

I knew it was probably not good, but it felt so great to have a break, that I didn't care. 


2) My creative brain dried up immediately.  The brain that was always zipping around, writing emails, stories, blog posts and ideas went blank.  I would pull up a "new post" page on my blog and just sit there. There were no words in my brain.  A few ideas, but more pictures than words. This was less fantastic. But my new found ability to be rock solid all the time felt so good, this seemed worth it.  

About four months after starting antidpressants two other side effects kicked in:

1) Restless leg syndrome. Not kidding around with this one.  Not like my legs "felt tingly" like they say online.  More like "Holy shit I have to walk around my house  at 1 am and not sleep."  Miserable.  Got a prescription for this, and did not think it was related to the antidepressant.

2) Starving. Like bottomless pit.  Like eat a whole meal and pretend to be full because that's what normal people would feel.  "Oh I am stuffed," Joe would say after a meal out. And I would think "Not me - I could have kept on!" 

Eventually the empty stomach issue died down (after 10 pounds joined up on to of the 10 pounds from years of hormones) and the creativity came back the littlest, tiniest bit. 

"Can you still not cry?'  My doctor would ask.
"No, but I like it."

Inappropriate on a couple of levels

But, then for no real reason (may have read that anti-depressants make you gain weight - too late for me!) in February of this year I decided to wean myself off of the antidepressants. I think I just wanted to check myself. I cut them in half and took half for about a week or two and then cut in half again. Eventually I was sprinkling pill dust into my mouth. 

I felt medium for awhile.  Not great, but not bad.  Like when you have had a really bad headache, and it finally subsides, but you move kind of slowly to make sure it doesn't come back. 

- My creativity came back almost immediately - it felt like the lights in my brain had been               turned back on.  
- About two months of going off of the antidepressants my restless legs went away.
- About four months after my emotions were back to normal me, not overly emotional me,  and not dead inside me.  I cry at the all normal things I cried about in the past - the sad parts in books and movies, Ralphie, other stuff that sucks. 

I had side effects that weren't great, but the medication gave me the ability to take a break from my sadness, and while taking the break I had to do the work, as they say, to heal the bigger issues. 

not a permanent solution
but could be part of doing the work

During the time I was on medication I was not raw, the way I was before.  And it gave me the chance to remember happy things about Ralphie and not just his death. My new "strength" (coldness - ha!) gave me the ability to work through the idea that (because of my inability to add children to my family)  my life was going to be different than I wanted and it was going to be okay. I also went to a "talk therapist" at the same time. I took a pill, took a break, and did the work.

I am lucky because as of now the antidepressants are not something I want or need.  For me the depression was a mix of losing Ralphie and having my hormones so out of whack that my coping mechanisms were trashed. 

A few things to say about getting off of antidepressants:

I think that maybe because I wasn't on them very long, and I was on a low dose, and I took a long time to wean myself off, and because my depression was situational, then I didn't have too bad a time getting off of them. 

 There were moments in the months afterward where I told myself I could start taking them again anytime if I wanted to. If the feeling I was having at the moment didn't go away in a time period I deemed reasonable then I could start them up again no problem.

I gave myself permission to experiment with not taking the meds. I went easy on myself and took care of myself during this process. 

I looked at it a little like a science experiment - like "Let's see what happens when I cut it in half again."  

My general practicioner doctor knew I was going off the antidepressants and he prescribed me a dosage of  progesterone.  Knowing that my hormones were an issue he felt that regulating them would help the whole process.  And I think it did. 

I will continue to see my psychiatrist.  If for no other reason that I want to maintain my "active patient" status with him.  That way if something changes I will be able to see him easily. Finding a psychiatrist that you can get in to, and that you like, is another whole issue in itself.  Don't wait till someone has to peel you off the floor to reach out for help, because getting help is a major process. 

Everything I have shared here is my experience only. I urge you to seek professional medical advice for every stage of depression. 

I am neither proud nor ashamed of my experience with antidepressant medication. I know people that will need to take it the rest of their lives and some people that should take something.  I just wanted to share my experience with it.  Plus  I am going to be writing about my new chubby body and my weightloss "journey" (weightloss is NOT a journey so much as fucking tour of misery) and I am going to blame my antidepressants for making me eat three hot dogs at a time. 

Being good at grief -

I originally posted this on 12/11/13

Being good at helping other people grieve is, unfortunately, an important skill to have. 

When we witness friends and loved ones suffering or grieving we want to act and often we don't know what to do. The fear of doing the wrong thing in terrible situations is enough to cripple some of us from doing anything. 

I have several friends that have graciously shared their opinions about what helped them when they experienced incredible loss and trauma and I have combined it with my opinions as well.

For the record “grief” is anything that makes a loved one suffer. We all know it when we see it and feel it. We all know the hierarchy of grief – what is the worst compared to something not as bad. Grief is grief though, no matter how the world categorizes certain types of loss.

1) Act quickly – Our own sadness and our uncertainty sometimes gives us pause. A phone call and voicemail is not recommended. Chances are they don’t want to “talk.”  An immediate text, email, facebook or note in the mail is perfect.  Going to their home is important too and I’ll talk about that in number 3.

I once waited two days before going to a friend’s house when her daughter was killed in a car accident.  That felt soon to me, because I didn’t want to “intrude,” and it wasn’t soon enough.  Immediate is best.

2) Do not tell them anything, except:

- how much you love them,

-are thinking of them

-and are so upset for them.

I think things go wrong when people are “told” things – the person/animal is better off, not suffering, God has a plan, you will get over this, it will be okay, it’s not fair, they are with God now, you deserve better, it’s not your fault, etc.  Less is more. Their religion and how they choose to categorize the loss is up to them and maybe you at a later time depending on your relationship.

The goal now is to comfort them immediately, not define the loss. No matter anything about the loss – you are sorry, you love them, and you are here for them.  Period.

3) Go and see them if possible. 

- Go as soon as possible – even if it is to stop by their house on your way home, give them a hug and tell them you will be back in two days to help. Or stop by, give them a hug and leave. See them immediately if possible and physically hug them.

When we found out we were not going to be able to adopt the baby we had waited 8 months for, we were in shock.  A dear friend of mine came over to our house and practically walked in. She hugged me and wanted to know every detail. If she had called and asked if she could come over or just told me she was on her way I would have said “No, please don’t come.” I felt a mess and didn’t feel like visiting.  But having her just do it felt so good.  I had several do this when Ralph died as well, and it is weird to me how comforting it was to have people in my home. 

- Bring something and not food. I learned this from my friends who lost children.  They didn’t want to eat and there was so much food in the house.  I was told that everyday items were more help (which is our goal). Toilet paper, paper towels, laundry detergent, Ziploc bags, etc. 

-Do something, don’t ask – If there is a key person at the house that is doing a lot, ask them, otherwise, feel free to wipe down the counters, take out the trash, pet and play with the pets. Hand them a drink, make sure they are sitting down when talking to other visitors, answer the door, etc.

If you don’t feel close enough to some one, then just go to the house, hug them, tell them how sorry you are, tell them you will check on them in a couple of days and then leave.

If going to see them is not feasible then mailing a note**/card/flowers/gift/something is nice. None of it will bring someone back or make cancer go away, but it could never hurt to make someone feel loved - in my opinion.

4). Follow up.  Checking on them each week or a few times a month, or a year, or every day, etc - depending on the trauma - is thoughtful. It acknowledges the pain and gives them a chance to talk if they wish.  If it is too painful they will say that too and you can move on easily and talk about other things - acknowledging  something significant and also a distraction are, in my opinion, two very helpful things for people to do. 

I typically deal with most things in my life with humor, but sometimes there is simply no place for jokes or lightening the mood. I hate those places!

** Writing a note can be REALLY HARD!!  Sometimes I just stare at my blank note card. I believe the best thing to say in a note is what I talk about in number 2. Don't say anything except that you love them and you are sorry and you are thinking of them and you are there for them. Death/Cancer/Loss/Divorce/Anything terrible - no matter what - just tell someone you are thinking of them.

What in the hey does this have to do with being a Tired Girl??  I don't know.  I just know that I have needed this skill a lot in the last few years and thought other people may too, so I saved up some energy, did some research and made these Cliff's Notes on how we can help friends and loved ones.  

Anyone have anything to add about this?

P.S.  Are you still reading this? The absolute worst thing to do is nothing. Our discomfort in the face of something terrible needs to be gotten over for the other person's sake.  And on the flip side we don't know exactly what hurts people.  I'd rather make too big of a deal of a break-up or the loss of a hamster than to neglect the hearts of people I care about.   

The Best Nude Heels -

Someone has googled "nude woman in heels" and landed on this page by accident.  So, my apologies, nudey-picture searchers - you are not in the right place.

For the rest of you, I have found some great (maybe the best) nude-colored patent heels.

 I wish I had bought these as soon as I took my current job, where I dress up like a grown-up and fly around the U.S. being a grown-up business style person. (Grown-ups totally use the word "grown-up" and "business style person," obviously - because I am one and I am using these words).

I'll talk about the grippy
bottom in a second

Instead though  I wasted time buying other pairs of shoes, when these work for every single professional outfit and every occasion.

The beauty in the nude pump is this:  Navy dress? Grey suit? Green dress? Black suit? Going out clothes? Cocktail dress?  Nude works. 

It elongates the leg, looks good with every color, looks nice poking out underneath dress pants - even ankle pants - if done well.

These heels could work for you if you:

 - often or occasionally have to wear heels

 - don't hate yourself enough to wear fucking four-inch thingys

 - like yourself enough to look stylish, fashion forward, and feminine

 - don't want to look like a stripper (no offense strippers)

 - want to channel your inner Amal Clooney and not your inner Snooky

 - like to walk like a normal human woman and not like a robot learning to walk for the first time

 - have an interest in feeling your feet

 - don't want to look like you are wearing "comfort" shoes (gag).

Tah -Dah!!! Gianni Bini Becca - These have a 3.4 inch covered heel - which is the perfect height in my opinion. Legs looks nice but not like a crazy person perched on top of skyscrapers.
Stats:  Gianni Bini - 3.4 inch heel - Grippy Bottom - $60 - 5 stars on Dillards.com

The Gianni Bini Becca Pumps are just crazy comfortable for me - like run through the airport type comfort. Or stand around forever perfecting your "I'm smart" look. The key to me is the "lightly padded insole" and the "grippy bottom" (I made up the term grippy bottom, because they don't even mention it on most of the descriptions. 

There a trillion nude patent pumps/wedges out there.  So here are a few other nude pumps that look like they have potential - if you want to totally ignore my original recommendation and strike out on your own. Whatever.

Nine West - 3 inch heel - Little Bit Grippy Bottom - $65 - 4/5 stars Amazon

Jessica Simpson - 3.75 inch heel - Grippy Bottom - $50 - 4/5 stars Amazon

Gianna Bini Snake - 3.4 inch heel - Grippy Bottom - $60 - 5/5 stars on Dillards.com

Comfort Plus - 3 inch heel - can't tell about if grippy bottom or not - $25 - 4.5/5 stars Amazon
(I have never heard of this brand)

Ivanka Trump - 3.5 inch heel - No Grippy Bottom - $55 - 5/5 stars Amazon
(but only 2 reviews)

Kate Spade - 3 inch heel - No Grippy Bottom - $300 - 4/5 stars Amazon

Cole Haan Wedge - 1.5 in. heel - Grippy Bottom - Price Varies - 4/5 Stars Amazon
Also not a heel, but points for low heel and high gloss patent. A good option.

Rockport Wedge - 2in. heel - Grippy Bottom - 4.5/Stars on Amazon
Not a heel and not "patent" (which I think is important), but made the list for overall style combined with a low heel and a brand known for comfort.

Life Stride Parigi Patent Pump - 2.5 in heel - Grippy Bottom - $40 - 4/5 Stars on DSW
I bought this shoe and almost kept it. It is incredibly comfortable - like wearing socks. But I didn't feel overly cute in them, so they went back. This style come sin lots of colors, make sure you get the "patent" style to pull off the nude patent look and not the old lady "bone colored" look. No offense to the bone colored shoes out there. 

One last word about nude patent heels - if you are still here.  1) Patent is stiff so even "good" shoes can be uncomfortable, that's why it's important to really look for comfy versions. 2) If there is a place to skimp on yourself it would not be shoes. Quality shoes make a big difference, suck it up and don't be pulled in by cheap shit.


I may have a small Amal Clooney problem. I love her style.