Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Self-Diagnosing an Eating Disorder

I had a friend in college that had a straight up eating disorder.  It wasn't about the food - it was about control. 

I remember naively thinking with envy that I would never have an eating disorder, because I got too hungry. Control was less important than pizza and gin and tonics and donuts. It was horrible that I was actually sort of a little bit jealous. Shows the fucked up attitudes women have about being skinny. And sadly I may potentially make some bad choices today, if it could get me back to that college weight. 
A classic.

Anywhoo I recently diagnosed myself with something I would call "a reason I eat the way I do." I can't say it's a disorder. I'm not trying to shirk responsibility, but also not trying to make this out to something bigger (like my toosh - woot woot!).  

But as you may know I have gained weight and have been working hard to lose the weight. 

I was recently reading a very boring and a teeny bit helpful diet book (here) - and I'll paraphrase the quote that got to me. It was about the idea that those of us that like to eat have an inner saboteur. 

An inner voice that sabotages us. 

What does this saboteur say to you, when is it the loudest, etc? The author told me to take some time to listen to that inner voice. 

My first thought was "Pffft I don't have that. I just like the way hamburgers taste. I don't have a weird relationship with food. I'm normal, just hungry." 

And then pop - like a cartoon - I had a thought bubble right over my head that read:

 "Life is hard and I deserve to treat myself to something that tastes good. I deserve it."  

And it was crystal clear. I did have an inner saboteur and it was the idea: "I feel like crap because (fill in the blank with shitty life things) and I want to eat something yummy - I deserve a treat for what I am going through." 
Not kidding.

And that was it. I found my inner saboteur.  So now I am working on treating myself to things that are not fattening food.  I was considering buying things, but that just replaces one problem with another.  (Private note just to Joe: Don't worry).  What's too bad is I don't want stuff - it feels weird to reward myself with things! But feels right to push a cinnamon roll in my mouth. 

I am down 12 pounds which is whole size. I'm at the point in weight loss where I can put my jeans in the drier.  So hell yeah. This was prior to understanding my inner saboteur. That jerk. So just watch out now. I have a little bit more to go and then add in the idea of taking my slightly smaller body and creating muscles. So the journey continues, but I am so proud of myself I feel like I deserve a treat. 

Any Tired Girls out there want to share what their inner-saboteur says to you? Or any personal journey successes? 


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