Being good at grief -

I originally posted this on 12/11/13

Being good at helping other people grieve is, unfortunately, an important skill to have. 

When we witness friends and loved ones suffering or grieving we want to act and often we don't know what to do. The fear of doing the wrong thing in terrible situations is enough to cripple some of us from doing anything. 

I have several friends that have graciously shared their opinions about what helped them when they experienced incredible loss and trauma and I have combined it with my opinions as well.

For the record “grief” is anything that makes a loved one suffer. We all know it when we see it and feel it. We all know the hierarchy of grief – what is the worst compared to something not as bad. Grief is grief though, no matter how the world categorizes certain types of loss.

1) Act quickly – Our own sadness and our uncertainty sometimes gives us pause. A phone call and voicemail is not recommended. Chances are they don’t want to “talk.”  An immediate text, email, facebook or note in the mail is perfect.  Going to their home is important too and I’ll talk about that in number 3.

I once waited two days before going to a friend’s house when her daughter was killed in a car accident.  That felt soon to me, because I didn’t want to “intrude,” and it wasn’t soon enough.  Immediate is best.

2) Do not tell them anything, except:

- how much you love them,

-are thinking of them

-and are so upset for them.

I think things go wrong when people are “told” things – the person/animal is better off, not suffering, God has a plan, you will get over this, it will be okay, it’s not fair, they are with God now, you deserve better, it’s not your fault, etc.  Less is more. Their religion and how they choose to categorize the loss is up to them and maybe you at a later time depending on your relationship.

The goal now is to comfort them immediately, not define the loss. No matter anything about the loss – you are sorry, you love them, and you are here for them.  Period.

3) Go and see them if possible. 

- Go as soon as possible – even if it is to stop by their house on your way home, give them a hug and tell them you will be back in two days to help. Or stop by, give them a hug and leave. See them immediately if possible and physically hug them.

When we found out we were not going to be able to adopt the baby we had waited 8 months for, we were in shock.  A dear friend of mine came over to our house and practically walked in. She hugged me and wanted to know every detail. If she had called and asked if she could come over or just told me she was on her way I would have said “No, please don’t come.” I felt a mess and didn’t feel like visiting.  But having her just do it felt so good.  I had several do this when Ralph died as well, and it is weird to me how comforting it was to have people in my home. 

- Bring something and not food. I learned this from my friends who lost children.  They didn’t want to eat and there was so much food in the house.  I was told that everyday items were more help (which is our goal). Toilet paper, paper towels, laundry detergent, Ziploc bags, etc. 

-Do something, don’t ask – If there is a key person at the house that is doing a lot, ask them, otherwise, feel free to wipe down the counters, take out the trash, pet and play with the pets. Hand them a drink, make sure they are sitting down when talking to other visitors, answer the door, etc.

If you don’t feel close enough to some one, then just go to the house, hug them, tell them how sorry you are, tell them you will check on them in a couple of days and then leave.

If going to see them is not feasible then mailing a note**/card/flowers/gift/something is nice. None of it will bring someone back or make cancer go away, but it could never hurt to make someone feel loved - in my opinion.

4). Follow up.  Checking on them each week or a few times a month, or a year, or every day, etc - depending on the trauma - is thoughtful. It acknowledges the pain and gives them a chance to talk if they wish.  If it is too painful they will say that too and you can move on easily and talk about other things - acknowledging  something significant and also a distraction are, in my opinion, two very helpful things for people to do. 

I typically deal with most things in my life with humor, but sometimes there is simply no place for jokes or lightening the mood. I hate those places!

** Writing a note can be REALLY HARD!!  Sometimes I just stare at my blank note card. I believe the best thing to say in a note is what I talk about in number 2. Don't say anything except that you love them and you are sorry and you are thinking of them and you are there for them. Death/Cancer/Loss/Divorce/Anything terrible - no matter what - just tell someone you are thinking of them.

What in the hey does this have to do with being a Tired Girl??  I don't know.  I just know that I have needed this skill a lot in the last few years and thought other people may too, so I saved up some energy, did some research and made these Cliff's Notes on how we can help friends and loved ones.  

Anyone have anything to add about this?

P.S.  Are you still reading this? The absolute worst thing to do is nothing. Our discomfort in the face of something terrible needs to be gotten over for the other person's sake.  And on the flip side we don't know exactly what hurts people.  I'd rather make too big of a deal of a break-up or the loss of a hamster than to neglect the hearts of people I care about.   

The Best Nude Heels -

Someone has googled "nude woman in heels" and landed on this page by accident.  So, my apologies, nudey-picture searchers - you are not in the right place.

For the rest of you, I have found some great (maybe the best) nude-colored patent heels.

 I wish I had bought these as soon as I took my current job, where I dress up like a grown-up and fly around the U.S. being a grown-up business style person. (Grown-ups totally use the word "grown-up" and "business style person," obviously - because I am one and I am using these words).

I'll talk about the grippy
bottom in a second

Instead though  I wasted time buying other pairs of shoes, when these work for every single professional outfit and every occasion.

The beauty in the nude pump is this:  Navy dress? Grey suit? Green dress? Black suit? Going out clothes? Cocktail dress?  Nude works. 

It elongates the leg, looks good with every color, looks nice poking out underneath dress pants - even ankle pants - if done well.

These heels could work for you if you:

 - often or occasionally have to wear heels

 - don't hate yourself enough to wear fucking four-inch thingys

 - like yourself enough to look stylish, fashion forward, and feminine

 - don't want to look like a stripper (no offense strippers)

 - want to channel your inner Amal Clooney and not your inner Snooky

 - like to walk like a normal human woman and not like a robot learning to walk for the first time

 - have an interest in feeling your feet

 - don't want to look like you are wearing "comfort" shoes (gag).

Tah -Dah!!! Gianni Bini Becca - These have a 3.4 inch covered heel - which is the perfect height in my opinion. Legs looks nice but not like a crazy person perched on top of skyscrapers.
Stats:  Gianni Bini - 3.4 inch heel - Grippy Bottom - $60 - 5 stars on Dillards.com

The Gianni Bini Becca Pumps are just crazy comfortable for me - like run through the airport type comfort. Or stand around forever perfecting your "I'm smart" look. The key to me is the "lightly padded insole" and the "grippy bottom" (I made up the term grippy bottom, because they don't even mention it on most of the descriptions. 

There a trillion nude patent pumps/wedges out there.  So here are a few other nude pumps that look like they have potential - if you want to totally ignore my original recommendation and strike out on your own. Whatever.

Nine West - 3 inch heel - Little Bit Grippy Bottom - $65 - 4/5 stars Amazon

Jessica Simpson - 3.75 inch heel - Grippy Bottom - $50 - 4/5 stars Amazon

Gianna Bini Snake - 3.4 inch heel - Grippy Bottom - $60 - 5/5 stars on Dillards.com

Comfort Plus - 3 inch heel - can't tell about if grippy bottom or not - $25 - 4.5/5 stars Amazon
(I have never heard of this brand)

Ivanka Trump - 3.5 inch heel - No Grippy Bottom - $55 - 5/5 stars Amazon
(but only 2 reviews)

Kate Spade - 3 inch heel - No Grippy Bottom - $300 - 4/5 stars Amazon

Cole Haan Wedge - 1.5 in. heel - Grippy Bottom - Price Varies - 4/5 Stars Amazon
Also not a heel, but points for low heel and high gloss patent. A good option.

Rockport Wedge - 2in. heel - Grippy Bottom - 4.5/Stars on Amazon
Not a heel and not "patent" (which I think is important), but made the list for overall style combined with a low heel and a brand known for comfort.

Life Stride Parigi Patent Pump - 2.5 in heel - Grippy Bottom - $40 - 4/5 Stars on DSW
I bought this shoe and almost kept it. It is incredibly comfortable - like wearing socks. But I didn't feel overly cute in them, so they went back. This style come sin lots of colors, make sure you get the "patent" style to pull off the nude patent look and not the old lady "bone colored" look. No offense to the bone colored shoes out there. 

One last word about nude patent heels - if you are still here.  1) Patent is stiff so even "good" shoes can be uncomfortable, that's why it's important to really look for comfy versions. 2) If there is a place to skimp on yourself it would not be shoes. Quality shoes make a big difference, suck it up and don't be pulled in by cheap shit.


I may have a small Amal Clooney problem. I love her style.

Tricking the Universe -

I like to do something I call "tricking the Universe." It's something that makes this Tired Girl feel powerful. It can, at the most, solve problems, and, at the least, make us happier. 

These are all ways I may have tried to trick the universe - more commonly referred to as creating a "win - win" situation.

Do you want to get pregnant? Then apply for, and accept, a new job that takes up tons of energy and time, has a lot of earning and growth potential, you enjoy,  and would be actually sort of inconvenient if you were pregs. 
Either:
a) you are distracted and got pregnant (fine with me) or 
b) you don't get preg, but you have moved on and are enriching your career options (fine with me).

Do you want your house to sell? Then totally redo your closet - even spend money on organizational pieces. 
Either:
 a) you wasted your time and money by re-doing your closet, because you immediately sold your house (fine with me) or 
b) you still lived there another thirteen months and enjoyed every moment of your beautiful and organized closet (fine with me).

Do you want to lose weight? Then buy five pairs of your favorite shorts in your current "big" size.  
Either:

These are NOT my favorite shorts, but they are close.
My faves are the previous season's version that
were in junior sizes (7,9,11 instead of 6,8,10).
Junior sizes were created for junior bodies (no curves) and
therefore in a big size just sat on my hips and didn't
hug my badonkadonk. Also the short inseam is counter-intuitive
for more weight, but it works better.

 a) your exercise and eating plan will start working and you will lose weight and waste that money (fine with me) or 
b) it will take you a while to drop the weight and you will feel cute and good about yourself in the meantime (fine with me).

In truth I may or may not have tried some of these tricks and in truth my other house is not sold and I did not get pregnant AND I have not lost much weight, but whatever. I have a good job and shorts that fit - things could be worse. 

Some people may think this is getting distracted from the end goal, and that's their business. 

But for this Tired Girl this strategy feels deeply good. There have been times in my life where I have felt "stuck" - just typing the word makes me wince. When I got to finally take action I was infinitely better - no matter what the action really was.

Tricking the universe takes out the debilitating, nauseating, in-action - the stuckness. No reason to not move forward with things. Big shorts or skinny shorts.  Job or no job - just move ahead and it will be a win-win. 

Frownies review -

I was recently introduced to "Frownies" - little thingies that you stick on your face to fix the wrinkles. 

While having casual girl-talk at a party, the ladies I was with discussed THAT ONE wrinkle on our forehead. We all had it, we all showed each other our particular wrinkle and we all discussed our options.  THEN some do-gooder waltzed by, and said "Yall need to try Frownies."  And presumably went about the party being wrinkle-free. 

Ta-dah!!

I eventually googled Frownies, watched some people on youtube apply them, and made my way to Amazon. For $14 (the price has sky-rocketed to $18 now)  this face-lift in a box could arrive at my house.  On Amazon they have 4 stars and 600+ reviews - those are good stats for a beauty product. 

So after months of both diligent and haphazard use here is the review:

They work in the exact same way that shaving your legs removes hair. 

After shaving, you are hairless, and in a few hours or days the hair starts to grow back and you must shave again. It is not permanent hair-removal.

When you wear a Frownie for more than a few hours the wrinkle is gone/better/less noticeable and after a few hours or days the wrinkle is back. The wrinkle is not permanently fixed.

The more often you shave the less hair growth you notice because you may just shave every day in the shower. 

If you wear a Frownie on a wrinkle every night you won't notice the wrinkle as much. 

As if you need the arrow.
The real story here is that I am more interested in my Bloody Mary
than my wrinkles - which is the right interest to have.

But... no razor and no Frownie and you are hairy and wrinkly in no time.  There are worse things of course, but it sounds bad. 

Just to be-labor this analogy a bit more - just because shaving isn't permanent doesn't mean we don't bother.  We still do it.  And that being said I am on my second box of Frownies.  

As a Tired Girl my getting ready for bed ritual has steps that are not an every-night necessity, and Frownies are one of them, but when I do use them my stupid forehead wrinkle is less noticeable to me.  

So in the end, Frownies get the Tired Girl ranking of: YES. 

I buy mine on Amazon, but I have seen them at Stein-Mart as well for the same price. I also skipped the rose-water spray and use tap water. I have not tried the reusable gel type pads that are more pricey. Anyone tried those?  

Ofcourse it is who we are on the INSIDE that's important and how we treat others, etc etc. But sticking a thing on your forehead some nights isn't going to hurt anyone.  

Don't tell that you're angry -

It sucks to feel like you have been "wronged" in some way.  It's a feeling that can only be described as both awful and powerless and obviously it doesn't need describing if you have experienced it.  If you want to make this feeling exponentially WORSE then be sure and tell everyone you know exactly how wronged you were.  

Unfortunately people do not (in any way) want to hear the reasons you are bitter (an idea that makes people uncomfortable.) How angry you are (a feeling people want to stay away from). How unfair it all is (a word people do not care about it).  

The key word is "secret."  Well and "resentment"

The cycle of anger: 

• person had X happen to them and become angry
• that person tells people that X happened and that they are angry
• people don't want to be around someone who is bitter and consumed about X (even if they like them) 
• people distance themselves from person
• person becomes aware that people are uncomfortable about X and don't want to be around them and panics because people don't want to be around them
• people smell panic and run away at lightening fast speed
• person is upset at being abandoned after X happened to them
• person meets someone new and is so bitter and lonely they practically attack new people with X and the abandonment on it goes....

Legally Blonde is a top 5 fave movie - it will make you feel great

Here is what people do want: they want to be around people that are happy, real (but not real angry or real bitter), don't take themselves too seriously, funny, charming (in other words interested in them) and have just the teeniest bit of "edge" to be interesting.

I recently had something happen that made me angry ( you are already uninterested and also somehow sad for my weakness and anger)... blah blah blah it doesn't matter.  
No one wants to hear it.  Even people that really like me. 

Obviously not in every case, but often people a little tiny, teeny, weeny, baby bit blame the wronged person.  They just do. So just don't give people that power - don't tell them everything.  
Why did you get divorced? We weren't happy?
Why did you 

Here is a list of potentially satisfying things you can try when you have been unjustly treated and you are stinking pissed:

• Retail Therapy (don't get in debt, but instead pick out something new you have been wanting and have it shipped to your house)
• Exercise Therapy (an amazing body and peaceful mind is appropriate in every situation; and great revenge -  I love my angry exercising)
• Spend Quality Time With Your Pet (I mean obviously)
• Do Something BIG (get a new job, move to a new place, trade in your car for a different one - again, don't get in debt - but change that shit up) 
• Sign Up For Therapy - hoooo-rah to that (take this crap to a professional - and don't be afraid of happy pills even temporarily)
• Be Around People That Either a) love you unconditionally and let you melt a little or b) don't know you at all and therefore do not define you by any angry inducing event
• Do Something to Seriously Distract Yourself (plan a trip, redo a room, sign up for a class, etc.)
• Let Yourself Grieve AND Be Pissed, But Don't Let It Rule You
• Escapism (read a good book , escape in a good show - something with sex) 
• Pin a Bunch of Inspirational Shit on Pinterest

Here is a list of DON'Ts:

• Don't eat too much because chubby and wronged is a really shitty combo (but whatever, I eat my feelings all the time - argh)
• Don't drink too much (because then we get on Facebook and see other people's  seemingly happy lives and feel bad about what happened - very bad cycle)
• Don't get in debt to feel better
• Don't be defined by this - yeah fist in the air!
  

So the point is  as Tired Girl's we work to streamline our lives and not waste energy. I don't want you to waste energy by, too often, telling other people you are angry.  

Let's just have a Tired Girl's club where we see each other on the street and we look deep in to each other's eyes and we think things like "I know you have been wronged."  "And I know that YOU have been wronged."  When we pump our fists like "fight the power" and we cruise on our about our day. 

Laundry pods -

This is an old post that I still think about because I still do laundry every Godforsaken second and I still am terrible at the whole process. My most favorite trick is to 1) wash clothes 2) dry them and 3) let the clean clothe sit in a basket for a week to the point that they are practically unrecogonizable (not a word) as  clothes ---  and in my panic to rectify the extreme wrinkliness (not a word)  I sometimes REWASH them to try and fix them and... sigh - - it goes from there. Recently though I have had two miniature laundry breakthroughs (don't get excited) that have drastically (overstatement) helped this miserable cycle.

The word "fling" makes it all so carefree

1) I bought these laundry pods.  They are more expensive, but somehow one less step of pouring liquid in to a bottle cap and launching the liquid in to my washer feels... luxurious.  Maybe not that extreme, but it feels easier which equates to luxury.  I bought my first container at Sam's andit is cheaper there ($20 for 92 pods at Sam's and last week I paid  $18 for 72 pods at Target). What a dumb thing to spend money on.  But anything that makes the process more bearable.  

2) I have found a guilty pleasure in different TV series - something Joe is not interested in.  I save up a couple of loads of clean laundry and settle in to some trashy TV program to fold. I literally look forward to it. My current show is "Outlander" from the Diana Gabaldon book of the same name.  It premiered on Starz but it is now available on Amazon. 

Me when it comes to Outlander

I think there are a few towels somewhere that need to be re-folded;
so I better watch another episode.

Here is my original hate filled post about laundry and my plan to dominate it. 
Laundry is my enemy - my real nemesis -  it literally is never going to end, and I do not enjoy any step along the way (except maybe the way my laundry room smells when I am washing or drying, other than that - bleh). 

I have become obsessed these past two weeks to get ahead of my laundry.  My goal is just to maintain a manageable amount, and so I have started doing one load every day, folding it and putting it away.  All THREE horrific steps in one day, but just one load.  I've done well with it so far - only skipped one day, and my success has allowed me to envision myself, some day, writing a book instead of glaring at full laundry baskets, because I have so much free time. AND it's nice to not look around your house and see laundry baskets everywhere full of maybe clean or maybe dirty laundry. 

I ran into trouble today as I discovered that my drawers and linen closets can not accommodate everything being clean at once.  Their success relies on the idea that a fraction of stuff is always dirty and therefore stored in a basket somewhere.  It is both an epic accomplishment that I did so much laundry and an epic failure that I have discovered I have too much stuff, I guess, or not efficient enough storage.  So if I am going to stay good at laundry I need to eliminate a few things.  I need to start a new give away bag.  

This Tired Girl has enjoyed her one laundry-load-a-day plan for the last 2 weeks.  Does anyone out there have a laundry plan?  Throwing your husbands dirty clothes out, one pair of socks at a time doesn't count.  Here is one idea - but I need more.

Here is a an image I found online that accurately represents our household. I have no one to blame but myself. 

Leggings -

I once wrote an enlightened post called "Jeans Make An Outfit."  And though I still believe in what I wrote, I have come to the conclusion that LEGGINGS also make an outfit. 

I like the simplicity of this outfit and the roominess of the tank.
Found it on Pinterest/Polyvore -
but don't get excited this tank is $119 (!!!!!). Dumb.  

In my new town of Tampa it is the style to go around everywhere, all day, all places, in workout clothes.  Men, women, kids, dogs - doesn't matter.  It's appropriate (like at nice restaurants and on dates and just everywhere). I am not sure if everyone actually has or will work out in the clothes they are wearing, but I don't care - I like it. 

It is no secret that if you want to not shower, not do your hair, not put on makeup and go out in to the world (basically a normal Tired Girl day), the trick is to put on workout clothes. Somehow it matches and actually compliments such an unkempt head.  Stay-at-home moms of new babies mastered this years ago.  

What I have discovered for Tired Girls (really just me) is this:

1) If I put workout clothes on (specifically leggings) I have an increased the likelihood that I will actually workout by a whopping 87%. (I am already dressed for it, I might as well run around a little).

2) If I put on workout clothes (again with the leggings) I am 60% more productive through out the day. 

3) The days I wear leggings all day I am infinitely less comfortable than I am in jeans or other hang out clothes, but am comforted that my messed up hair and makeup-less face seems suitable anywhere I want to go. I am less "slobby" and more "active"!  Hooray!

My favorite leggings are the 90 Degree by Relex from Amazon or Marshall's  (same price both places). I have a couple of the Danskin brand from Wal-Mart, but don't love them.  

Target - in my opinion has some of the best workout clothes, but they are not as cheap as Marshalls/TJ Maxx.  This is one of my favorite shirts from Target. It's forgiving of body bumps believe it or not and is moisture-wicking.

Everyone gets all hot and bothered when people where "leggings as pants."  And to that I roll my eyes, because I am tired and don't have the energy to really address something so dumb. 

Oh wait I did address it afterall.

I like this basic outfit. If you want to go all
non-workouty with the leggings.

I think leggings - as pants, workout clothes, replacement for shaving legs, or daily staple is a fabulous tool for Tired Girls. Find a brand you love and buy a bunch (obviously - as we hate laundry).

Ha ha ha ha ha - just kidding. Screw you photo.

My next step is to find  workout shorts that are decent - and don't look like a huge intertube around my toosh.  It's hot as crud in Florida and I need a warm weather option. These are kind of cute maybe. 

These are Under Armour and come in lots of cute colors.

 Anyone else think leggings are perfect for Tired Girls? Anyone think they are the worst thing ever (keep it to yourself for goodness sake).  Anyone have a warm weather option?